Sometimes the ghosts of your past haunt you even when you think they're dead and gone. I try to not hold onto things from my past that have hurt me in some way. Grudges just slow your life down and cause you unwanted pain. But something I think somethings hurt me so deeply that I can't let them go no matter how much I want to. Even after years and distance from the situations and people who were involved I still feel the creeping of the hurt that was cause.
For most of my life I've prided myself on how much of a good friend I am. No matter how flawed my morals might have been I would never knowingly screw a friend over. I've always felt that if someone gave me their true friendship then they deserved me being the best friend I could be. My friends are like family to me and at time some of them were better then that.
But for some reason I had these times when I was the bad guy and blame was put on me that I did not deserve or earn. Times when people I thought were my friends would use me as the scape goat to stay out of trouble with girlfriends or wives or even other people in our circle of friends. These people would even talk crap about me behind my back and slander my name. These time hurt me so deep and totally.
I've had many people I thought were true friends turn their back on me when I needed them and I always forgave them. I even forgave a friend who screwed around with my girlfriend and then blamed the aftermath of his guilt on me! I look back now and wish i had called him out so that others saw that he wasn't as perfect as they thought.
All these thing I truly believe have affected me now. I find it so hard to put trust in others and make new friends. Sometimes when I think about it I would rather be alone then have someone burn my trust and friendship again.
I thank God that I still have my true friends in my life! The ones who have known me most of my life and love me in spite of my many flaws.
Friday, January 06, 2012
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2 comments:
Time reveals your true friends my love. You cant luve in fear of being hurt because if you do that, you will never find true happiness either. I wish I could take that pain away but we are all marked with betrayal. Some hurt
worse than others but we all have to move forward in our lives and not let other peoples actions control us. <3
That is why you and I will always be true friends. I have seen you thru all of that, and you have seen me thru just as much. There's a reason I am proud to call you my best friend. I love you and Deena very much and hope to be able to see you soon. But no matter how many states away we are, I know that we will always be there for each other. Love you!
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