Ghosts of the past

Sometimes the ghosts of your past haunt you even when you think they're dead and gone. I try to not hold onto things from my past that have hurt me in some way. Grudges just slow your life down and cause you unwanted pain. But something I think somethings hurt me so deeply that I can't let them go no matter how much I want to. Even after years and distance from the situations and people who were involved I still feel the creeping of the hurt that was cause.
For most of my life I've prided myself on how much of a good friend I am. No matter how flawed my morals might have been I would never knowingly screw a friend over. I've always felt that if someone gave me their true friendship then they deserved me being the best friend I could be. My friends are like family to me and at time some of them were better then that.
But for some reason I had these times when I was the bad guy and blame was put on me that I did not deserve or earn. Times when people I thought were my friends would use me as the scape goat to stay out of trouble with girlfriends or wives or even other people in our circle of friends. These people would even talk crap about me behind my back and slander my name. These time hurt me so deep and totally.
I've had many people I thought were true friends turn their back on me when I needed them and I always forgave them. I even forgave a friend who screwed around with my girlfriend and then blamed the aftermath of his guilt on me! I look back now and wish i had called him out so that others saw that he wasn't as perfect as they thought.
All these thing I truly believe have affected me now. I find it so hard to put trust in others and make new friends. Sometimes when I think about it I would rather be alone then have someone burn my trust and friendship again.
I thank God that I still have my true friends in my life! The ones who have known me most of my life and love me in spite of my many flaws.

Time

It seems time passes so quickly. One minute you're young and partying like there's no tomorrow, then you're sitting in a rocking chair wondering were it all went. Every year that passes makes me feel like there is so much that I've missed. Friends getting married, Friends having kids, life moving foreword and I feel left behind. Is it that I've been removed from these events and lives for so long that I'm just a passing thought or memory or is it that these things make me think of all the people that I used to enjoy spending time with.

Christopher Martin 1/13/92 - 04/02/11

Chis Martin was/is my nephew. To this day I still remember the day he was born and unfortunately I will always remember the day he died. He was an amazing person. Full of life in every way you can imagine. When it came to sport there wasn't anything that he couldn't do! Baseball, Football, Basketball were the sports he loved and strived to be amazing at. Not to mention ROTC.
But none of this matters now. It is all his legacy!
Chris was more then my nephew, He was my friend & and in a way my little brother. Being the youngest of four kids I loved when I became an uncle! I remember looking down into the sweet face on the day he was born thinking to myself that now their was some one that will look up to me and I better live accordingly. Now for a seventeen year old thats not easy but I did try and I always tried to be there to be with him when I could. I'd visit him at daycare(which blew up in my face cause I didn't tell my sister, his mom, that I was going to) but he loved it!
After they moved to Georgia for my sisters work I remember one year I met them at the air port and Chris and I rode back to Bonham Tx jsut me and him! It was the best 1 1/2 hour drive of my life which ended with me offroading to his delight in the empty lot across from my parents house!
The day I found out Chris passed I was at a photography seminar in down town Atlanta. I have never felt so out of control in my life. My whole world seemed to fall away when I heard the words that he was in an accident and he didn't make it! I honestly asked my wife(who was the one to tell me) if she was fucking with me. My heart shattered into a million pieces!
I look at the picture at the begining of this post(which was taken a few days before he died) and It makes me feel that he was looking to the future and the hopefullness of what it holds.
Chris Like so many other kids got in with a bad group and like always bad things happen. But I'm not going into that cause that was never Chris and That is not what I want to remember. You might be wondering if that wasn't chris what was. Well let me tell you. The first time he met his step cousin he was all about her! He took her and showed her how to shoot baskets and played PS3 with her and if his friends didn't like it they could go home. that made me so proud of him! Even through the bad stretch he was still the big hearted loveing person that I always knew and love!
...To Be Continued...

Frustration

You ever wonder if your path in life is wrong? I have been for awhile now. I've been chasing this dream to be a photographer for a few years now and it is starting to seem that all I'm doing is running into brick wall after brick wall. I've taken more classes and read more books on the subject then I ever did in school. But for some reason I can't get it started. Sometimes I feel it's because I am in Georgia and not Texas. I know back home I would have a bunch of people who would let me shoot them for my portfolio and would give my name to everyone they know that needs a photographer. The unfortunate thing is I have alot of friends there but not really any here. I have people that I know through work but no one I really hang out with like I have in Tx. But is that fair to say that things would be better if I was there and not here or am i just transferring the blame? I don't really know. What I do know is that I am tired of banging my head against a wall! I know I have the talent to do this but do I have the strength anymore to keep pushing up hill. I can't really talk to my wife about it cause all that does is gets us into a fight that I hate having. She thinks I should go be an assistant to a photographer and move my way up from there. But I really don't think I need to follow some one around for minimum wage to be able to do this. there way too many people that have never done that and at successful photographers. I don't know any more!
I don't think anyone reads this so I am pretty much just ranting to myself! But if anyone does Thanx for listening!

This Old House

I used to drive by this house on a daily basis and always thought it would make a cool photo. So about a week ago I decide to finally shoot it. It was about an hour before sundown And the sun was perfect. The whole front of the house was illuminated in this awesome golden light! The only tough part was not getting hit by cars zooming down the road in front of the house. I was set up right on the edge of the road looking up the hill the house is on. But after getting home and seeing the outcome I do have to say it was totally worth it!

Merry Christmas!

First Real Shoot!

So last month my boss at the cigar shop decided he wanted the website updated. So he enlisted the help of one of the guys that frequents the shop who builds websites and does online marketing to update the site. After a lot of back an forth about what they wanted on the site they started talking about doing some product shots for the site which of course I jump in and said "Hey I'll do them for ya!" !



These are a couple of the shots I did for them and both will be on the site when it is finished. It was great to finally feel like maybe this will be a career someday! I will post the tear sheets from the site when it is finished so that Y'all can see!

Holding Pattern

Right now I am sitting at the shop watching "Dan in real life" and thinking about how i wish I was doing something else. I feel stagnant! Like a river that hasn't felt it's flow down stream in a long time. But how does one start flowing again after such a long time of being stagnant? Don't get me wrong I do like where I work and sometimes I even like the people that come here. But this is not my passion. There are days that I sit here and stare out the window and wish that I was out taking pictures and it makes me restless that I'm not! This feeling is killing my passion and pulling me into a black hole! I need to find the way to jump start my life and what I want to do with my life!

And we're off!!

Well haven't been on in a couple of months because my pc was down. Ya got to love burning up a power supply editing photos. But that is in the past and I am back! So i figured i would post a photo I took while my pc was down! Enjoy!

It almost like he is looking at you and at any time might jump out of the screen at you!

The Future

So I have been thinking a lot about my future lately. I have wanted to be a photographer for a few years now but have lacked a lot of the confidence in my work to really consider it to much. But since I have taken some classes and really let myself get into shooting I have been thinking more and more about trying my hand at it professionally. I know that if I set my mind to it I could be successful and do well, But there is still that fear deep down inside that tells me I'm crazy! I am hoping that the shoot I have coming up for the golf tournament will give me an idea of if I need to pursue this or not. We shall see!

Happenings

Well it has a little bit since my last post and I figured I would try to keep the few people who might read this up to date on things. First i finished another class at PPSOP and have desided to take a break and go shoot for awhile. I am planning on takeing a couple of classes on studio lighting and flash photography but not for at least a month. The biggest news is that i got asked to shoot a Charity Golf tournament next month. It is for Arnies Army which is a charity set up by Arnold Palmer to help raise money for prostate cancer research. Which being a guy I am all for! I am hoping that will lead to some other projects and can maybe get my name out there. I will keep y'all posted on how it all comes out.

Certificate

Well I finally finished one of my photography classes!! It was awesome and sucked all in one. It was awesome to learn all the stuff I needed to know and see how thing should be done so i can be a good photographer someday! The thing that sucked is how quick I figured out that I did really need this class! You never realize just how bad you are till some one else looks at your stuff and tells you the truth. Now don't get me wrong I know I have talent, Which is something you can't learn, and i know that I have the passion to do this. The hardest thing is to get past the voices in my head that tell me I suck! I have always have a little bit of a low self esteem but I think that now it is a little less then before this class!! Bryan Peterson and Chris Hurt are great instructors and I can't wait to start my next class June 6th!!!

Gone Digital!!

Well this week I went and did it!!
I am now officially gone digital!! I when and bought a Nikon D80 and am loving it!!!
I do have to admit that it is something new to learn and having to do it while taking photography classes is kinda fun. I went out today and shot some photos for class and I think they came out pretty good for the first time really using the camera. Take a look for your self

I'M BACK!!!!

It's been awhile but I think it is time I make a comeback!!! There are a lot of new thing in my life and some thing haven't changed at all!! Stay tuned and find out about all the new stuff I'm up to and how I feel about what is going on in the world!!

Three Years

It has been three years since that tragic day.



In our busy lives of work, school, family and the other things we are constantly dealing with it is easy for us to forget that moment that time stood still. I know for this is true. But on this the third anniversary of 9/11/01 we should all stop and remember! Remember where we were the moment our country came under attack!! Remember how we felt seeing those planes crash into the towers and the Pentagon, Remember how our lives for a moment stopped in their tracks and most of all Remember the people that were lost in those crashes and when the towers fell!!!
I have always been pretty patriotic and seeing this happen with my own two eyes that day on tv made me truly understand what this country was made of!!! We did not back down, We did not run!!! We stood up one and all and United together!!! We proved to the rest of the world that Americans and America does not bow down to terrorists or any other militant group that tries to threaten us!!! Instead we fought back and Won!!!

What we need to remember on this day is that this has nothing to do with politics or elections! This has to do with us as a country standing strong against any one who tries to put us down!!
The police and firefighters that ran into those towers to save the people in there did not think of politics or the president!! They only thought of the people that were trapped inside the towers!!!
Many of those same police and firefighters lost their live saving people they did not know and they did it like Heros!!!

So please take a moment and Remember those that were lost and those that were never found!!

They say time heals all wounds........

I say We should NEVER let these wounds heal!!!!

http://www.ushostnet.com/gulfwar/911attack.htm

I thought this was America!

What is going on with this country? Every where you look these days there is a no smoking ban. Every state is trying to pass a law making it unlawful for us to smoke and this worries me. Last I checked you have to be eighteen to buy cigarettes and cigars. Isn't eighteen legal age to vote in this country? Isn't eighteen legal age to Die for your country? The answer is YES to both questions!!! But now they are trying to tell us that we ADULTS can not smoke in public!! That just is not right!! Next thing they are going to do is tell us that we can't smoke in our homes or cars! Then what are we going to do? We are letting the government have way too much say over what we do and our Lives!! We need to stand up for our rights as Americans!!! If we don't now who know where this country will end up!! So it is time to decide whether you are going to do some thing to save your Freedom or if you are going to sit on your couch and do nothing!!! You might not be a smoker but this is where it starts!! First they ban smoking, next it might be drinking, after that who knows. Maybe they will decide to ban video games or the internet!!!! It is up to us to keep the government in check and say whether we want them in our lives or not!!

DO THE RIGHT THING NOT THE EASY THING!!!!!

A Cigar A Day

You know I love to sit back with a cold drink in one hand and a premo cigar in the other!!! I have found that nothing in this world relaxes me more then a good cigar. The taste of the smoke, The feeling of the wrapper, The calmness of just sitting there enjoying the moment. One day I hope to pass this enjoyment on to my son(when he is old enough) and show him that life is way to short and we should savor every moment. There is no better way to savor the moment like smoking a cigar!!!!

Feelin down in the dumps

I have had the worst month in my life! January 21st I was fired from my job! A week later I filed for unemployment and a couple weeks after that I find out that I am not going to receive any payments because the place I had just got fired from was fighting it. So now I am in the middle of fighting them for my unemployment. It has been a little over a month since I was fired and Deena is having to pay all the bills(Which sux)!!! Also my trip to Texas looks like it is not going to happen!! I am so not happy about all this. Besides that stuff going I decided to start taking my photography classes again, but I am thinking there is no point. When I first started to think about photography and wanting to be photographer I was so passionate about it. But now I so little passion for any thing and so much fear in failing at another thing!! I don't think I could handle that again!! One failure in my life is enough and I have had more then that!!! I wish I could figure out how to find my passion again. I wish I could stop doughting myself about every thing!!! Do I have a future or am I just fooling my self? Is it time to just stop wanting a better life and just settle for what the world gives me? I don't know any more.

Scars heal
Glory fades
All your left with is the memories made
Pain hurts
But only for a minute
Life is short, So go on and live it
Cause the chicks dig it

Nothing like a good stogie

I have found the one thing in the world that truely relaxes me....... A good cigar!!! I have pretty much quit smoking cigarettes(which if you know me well you know I always enjoyed smoking). So smoking cigars is a good way to enjoy my love for smoking without smoking cigarettes. But I do have to say it is an expensive hobbie kinda like being a wine collector. I have bought a humidor and am now trying to learn how to take care of my cigars so that they are always good. It is fun!!!!