Ghosts of the past

Sometimes the ghosts of your past haunt you even when you think they're dead and gone. I try to not hold onto things from my past that have hurt me in some way. Grudges just slow your life down and cause you unwanted pain. But something I think somethings hurt me so deeply that I can't let them go no matter how much I want to. Even after years and distance from the situations and people who were involved I still feel the creeping of the hurt that was cause.
For most of my life I've prided myself on how much of a good friend I am. No matter how flawed my morals might have been I would never knowingly screw a friend over. I've always felt that if someone gave me their true friendship then they deserved me being the best friend I could be. My friends are like family to me and at time some of them were better then that.
But for some reason I had these times when I was the bad guy and blame was put on me that I did not deserve or earn. Times when people I thought were my friends would use me as the scape goat to stay out of trouble with girlfriends or wives or even other people in our circle of friends. These people would even talk crap about me behind my back and slander my name. These time hurt me so deep and totally.
I've had many people I thought were true friends turn their back on me when I needed them and I always forgave them. I even forgave a friend who screwed around with my girlfriend and then blamed the aftermath of his guilt on me! I look back now and wish i had called him out so that others saw that he wasn't as perfect as they thought.
All these thing I truly believe have affected me now. I find it so hard to put trust in others and make new friends. Sometimes when I think about it I would rather be alone then have someone burn my trust and friendship again.
I thank God that I still have my true friends in my life! The ones who have known me most of my life and love me in spite of my many flaws.

Time

It seems time passes so quickly. One minute you're young and partying like there's no tomorrow, then you're sitting in a rocking chair wondering were it all went. Every year that passes makes me feel like there is so much that I've missed. Friends getting married, Friends having kids, life moving foreword and I feel left behind. Is it that I've been removed from these events and lives for so long that I'm just a passing thought or memory or is it that these things make me think of all the people that I used to enjoy spending time with.

Christopher Martin 1/13/92 - 04/02/11

Chis Martin was/is my nephew. To this day I still remember the day he was born and unfortunately I will always remember the day he died. He was an amazing person. Full of life in every way you can imagine. When it came to sport there wasn't anything that he couldn't do! Baseball, Football, Basketball were the sports he loved and strived to be amazing at. Not to mention ROTC.
But none of this matters now. It is all his legacy!
Chris was more then my nephew, He was my friend & and in a way my little brother. Being the youngest of four kids I loved when I became an uncle! I remember looking down into the sweet face on the day he was born thinking to myself that now their was some one that will look up to me and I better live accordingly. Now for a seventeen year old thats not easy but I did try and I always tried to be there to be with him when I could. I'd visit him at daycare(which blew up in my face cause I didn't tell my sister, his mom, that I was going to) but he loved it!
After they moved to Georgia for my sisters work I remember one year I met them at the air port and Chris and I rode back to Bonham Tx jsut me and him! It was the best 1 1/2 hour drive of my life which ended with me offroading to his delight in the empty lot across from my parents house!
The day I found out Chris passed I was at a photography seminar in down town Atlanta. I have never felt so out of control in my life. My whole world seemed to fall away when I heard the words that he was in an accident and he didn't make it! I honestly asked my wife(who was the one to tell me) if she was fucking with me. My heart shattered into a million pieces!
I look at the picture at the begining of this post(which was taken a few days before he died) and It makes me feel that he was looking to the future and the hopefullness of what it holds.
Chris Like so many other kids got in with a bad group and like always bad things happen. But I'm not going into that cause that was never Chris and That is not what I want to remember. You might be wondering if that wasn't chris what was. Well let me tell you. The first time he met his step cousin he was all about her! He took her and showed her how to shoot baskets and played PS3 with her and if his friends didn't like it they could go home. that made me so proud of him! Even through the bad stretch he was still the big hearted loveing person that I always knew and love!
...To Be Continued...